These are the signs you’re a Galus Jew:galus jew


One: your aleph-beis ends with a “saf”

This much is definitely true!

You have a thick American accent,

You hate Zionist thieves cause they stole Arab land right out of the blue!


Two: You’ve never watched an un-kosher movie,

You’re afraid of your shadow,

You think all Arabs are dangerous,

You play a Yiddish-speaking Nintendo.


Three: You live in a shtetl protected by walls on all sides,

Your enemies are many,

Your wig-sporting wife’s your true pride,

You know much and yet, know so little,

You’re in for the ride,

Whether it takes you to Germany–or Russia, oh please, don’t belittle,

What those nice Russians have done for us Jews,

They provide us with schools…and so many good news!


Four: Your parents have taught you to raise your family in safety,

Judea and Samaria haven’t approached you lately!

You don’t want to live in an area where Arabs abound,

You’re a petty, little shtetl Jew,

On to the next round!


Five: You’ll move to Israel at some point…

When Moshiach comes surely!

In the meantime though,

You’re not doing too poorly,

Six kids now, going on eight!

You’re having twins, mazal tov!

For Israel it’s too late!


Six: Your husband/wife just don’t buy the whole “Israel” thang,

You’re gonna convince them at some point,

But it’s just not the right time,

You hear me, gang!?


Seven: You’ve been there, done that,

You give to this–or that Israel fund,

You believe in G-d’s holy Torah–

Just not in the whole Lech Lecha stunt…


Eight: You think Israel’s “Apartheid,”

We treat Arabs and other minorities badly,

We’re such hateful, evil people,

We’re probably not good enough for you sadly.


Nine: “Yes, this is the Land my forefathers walked”

“But no, my forefathers weren’t Zionists (G-d forbid)!”

“I’m the only one with the senses”

“My community tells me I’m right!”

“I ain’t taking no chances!”


Ten (and this here is a gem!): I visit Israel every year and own a villa in the North,

I believe in the Zionist cause,

Let’s all unite and go forth!

Let’s chase the evil Arabs away, Kahane was right!

But as far as living in Israel, well y’know, I’ll be a’ight!


With warms wishes from Jerusalem (even to those who don’t live–and don’t plan on living here)! Shabbat shalom from this here Zionist Jew!